Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Floor bacon is actually really good
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Randomize
