apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
