im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
