if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
are you so shy because you have an std?
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
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