I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
