God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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