I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
