I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Randomize
