Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Randomize
