I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
