I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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