when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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