Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
