Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
This house was built for laser tag.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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