also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I wish you could order shots online.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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