i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
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