Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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