Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
