I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize
