Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
