i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Randomize
