Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
