I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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