you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
