I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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