i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
