My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
