I will die if light touches me.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
