So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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