Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
im having a threesome with these popsicles
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Randomize
