I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
