Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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