i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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