I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
