He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Randomize
