Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
