Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Randomize
