The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
