So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
