when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
My Higher Power is John Stamos
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
