Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
