I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Randomize
