he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
