I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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