watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
