Old men and throwing up are my life now.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
soo... how was my night?
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
