i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
and you said cock pushups were impossible
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
