I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
