This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
