He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
