I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
